


Of Bookshelves and Broken Hearts

by Natasha_Rostova



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, No Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 11:03:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18915640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natasha_Rostova/pseuds/Natasha_Rostova
Summary: After a particularly harsh comment from his brother, Makalaurë finds himself hidden in the library. Although, Nerdanel always seems to be there right when she’s needed.





	Of Bookshelves and Broken Hearts

Where was that ridiculous sketch book?

Nerdanel searches through the library with vigor, tossing papers and books this way and that. This shelf had been dedicated to her multiple sketchbooks, notes and scribbled ideas. Yet it was impossible to find anything in its mess. Useless shelf. Useless organization skills.

Of course she could always ask her handmaidens to handle it, but there was something special about her notes. Something no one else could understand, much less organize. However, Nerdanel had put off sorting the shelf off since her marriage. And she was already on child number seven.

Nerdanel huffs in frustration. Why had she put this off for so long? She would never find her notes at this rate. This is was absolutely-

A sniff broke her concentration. Turning her head to the sound, Nerdanel settles her gaze on the alcove between the two bookshelves to her right. The library is darkened by thick curtains but Nerdanel instantly knows who resides there.

“Makalaurë?” Nerdanel whispers. He shifts and sinks further into his hiding place. “What’s going on?” Nerdanel tries to keep her voice low and gentle, this had always been Kano’s hiding spot. Every childhood game of Hide and Seek. Every musical problem was solved with a thinking session here. She walks towards him, steps as soft and quiet as she can manage.

“Nothing.” His voice is muffled, head hidden in his hands.

“Nothing? Well this ‘nothing’ sounds like a problem to me.” Nerdanel settles herself in front of him, legs crossed.

“Ammë.” His tone is distressed, and strained. Despite his mumbling, Nerdanel can hear his heartache.

“Makalaurë.” Unable to say no to her, Makalaurë looks up at her. Face red and stained with tear tracks. His eyes are glossy and sick with some deep sadness. Nerdanel’s heart twists into knots and she quickly moves to hold Makalaurë’s hand. He seems to relax, albeit slightly, into her touch.

“Do you ever- What if, your whole life you,” Makalaurë voice was merely a whisper, and his unsteady gaze met hers before continuing, “What if you didn’t feel….good...enough?”

“Good enough?” What was this about? “I think good enough is relative my love,” Nerdanel tries to offer vague comfort. Makalaurë didn’t seem in the mood for pressing. She rubs mindless shapes into the back of his hand.

“No. No. What if you were terrible at something so important?”

“If something is meaningful, and you tried your best, then one couldn’t be terrible at it.” Makalaurë just seems more troubled at her comforts. After scanning his expression, Nerdanel adds, “I hope you know I don’t think you’re terrible.” He shifts his gaze to the floor, contemplating. With one glance at her, Makalaurë explains himself.

“We were speculating about atar’s forge project. This secret one, Atarincë didn’t even know.” He keeps rambling even though his chest heaves,“And we were making guesses right? About what it could be, based on the tools left out. An anniversary present, a begetting day gift.” He sniffed. ”But then Atarincë said I wasn’t allowed to speculate, said I wouldn’t know the first thing about forge work if he slapped me with it.” Nerdanel could feel her blood run cold. Atarincë could be unusually cruel about his gift. Could be so cruel about his relationship with Fëanor. Constantly trying to be better. Nerdanel had thought it merely festered from insecurity, but this. Makalaurë continues, interrupting her thoughts, “I know I’m being ridiculous, I’m too old to sob over these things yet,” He hiccups.

“I just don’t understand, they look to Neylo as if he shines brighter than the trees,” Makalaurë fiddles with his hands. “but me,” Deep breaths turn into quiet sobs. It takes everything Nerdanel has to not interject immediately and sooth him. Whatever this was, it had been eating at her son for a while. Now was not the time for interruptions.“What’s wrong with me? Why am I the only one who is useless in Atar’s work? Useless to my brothers?” He looks at her now, eyes glossy and face pleading. “Just. Tell me okay? What’s wrong with me?” His voice is weak and cracked, intercut with choked hiccups.

“Kano.” How could she say that he was perfect? Everything about him was perfect. The way he sat at the breakfast table with a scowl every morning, only grumpy because he had stayed awake too long the night before. The way he stayed at the table long after everyone left, just to sit in silence with her. How he memorised all his brother’s favorite songs, just to play for them whenever they were upset. How could she convey all this perfect love in a sentence? The words didn’t come, instead she simply said, “There’s nothing wrong with you. Tyelkormo and Maitimo are imperfect in the forge as well. Forge work does not define someone.”

“Yes, but they’re not useless! Maitimo can recite every tool, every process by memory! Did I not work hard enough? Did I not try hard enough? Why am I useless!”

“Makalaurë, listen to me.” He’s resorted to hiding again. Hands rubbing at his eyes. Nerdanel tries her best to cup his face in her hands, rubbing circles into his skin. “You’re not useless.” There’s so much she wants to say, but the heartache clouds her head until all she can think is, I love you. I love you. Please know I love you. I love you.

“You’re only saying that because you’re my Ammë.” Nerdanel holds in a sigh. How could she say she would love him in a thousand different lives? How complete he makes her feel. How she could listen to him talk forever. She would give anything for him. Anything.

“Kano. Just look at me okay? Please.” Oh how her voice cracks. When had she started crying? Makalaurë turns his head, a deep sigh lodged in his chest.

“I love you. Everything about you. You have indescribable talent, you are kind hearted and gentle. Sure you don’t enjoy crafting, maybe you don’t understand policies and politics, not everyone does.” Nerdanel sighs, “Just because your not ‘perfect’ like your brothers, doesn't mean you’re not perfect like you.”

Makalaurë is shaking now. Breaths short and harsh. He opens his mouth, but all that comes is a half sob.

“Oh just come here already.” Nerdanel pulls Kano into a tight embrace, as if she can hold him tight enough to piece his heart back together. He sinks into her embrace, arms wrapped around her just as tight. “I love you,” She whispers into his hair, and instantly she feels him shake harder. Makalaurë buries his face further into her shoulder, and responds instantly with raspy words,

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> For @vrgmason on twitter,  
> I know it’s terrible, my writing skills are broken.
> 
> Make sure to leave kudos and a comment if you enjoyed! I love hearing feedback from you guys!


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